Thursday, December 24, 2015

Almost Christmas

So it's Christmas Eve. We've celebrated at my aunt's house for as long as I can remember. I've feared this day since August. August 6th exactly. My aunt died that day...right around 4pm. I have residual anger about her death, as well as with her; but I'll save that ranting for a future post.

I've actually never liked the Christmas season -- the commercial part. The true meaning, of course, is to celebrate Christ's birth (which happened in July, I believe...but I digress). I heard or read somewhere (probably facebook) that somebody passed a store display with the three wise men, and said: 'look, now they're dragging religion into Christmas'. People probably laughed, but, seriously, if I met this person, I'd smack the living crap outta them so far that google can't even find them.

I'm the last person to be talking about Jesus and being close to the Lord (Again, another blog post), but stuff like that really irks me. Also, writing Xmas. (More Christmas pet peeves will come out later in this post, I'm fairly certain) But every year Christmas becomes more and more commercialized, it's disgusting. Thanksgiving doesn't even get recognized anymore. Goes from Halloween straight to Christmas. Thanksgiving is actually my favorite holiday. There's no expectation of anything except yummy food, stomachaches, and the parade. I did the same thing every year (at least I did). Watch the parade and get all excited about the teenie bopper bands; watch the dog show (which I'm not thrilled about, but...tradition); and look at the black Friday ads to see what was going to be on sale, and what absolutely useless to me electronic thingy I wanted. Of course, it would be useless to me, but if my niece wanted it...she got it. That's another reason I'm not big on this time of year. It became a 'let's spoil Ali party'. It was always about her. ALWAYS.

Another thing...Christmas in shorts? That's just not cool. Hahahaha...I'm so punny sometimes.

Throw in Seasonal Affective Disorder and no parents....recipe for fun! NOT

This year is extra icky because I'm in...well, basically a nursing home...and even though I have somewhere to go for Christmas, I can't get past the hopelessness, helplessness, and loneliness. I think I've taken more Xanax in the past month, then like...ever.

So no Christmas cheer from this girl...try self-loathing...got plenty of that

Monday, December 14, 2015

my pomegranate period

I've decided that this can best be termed as my pomegranate period. I was watching 'The Golden Girls' yesterday, and Blanche mentioned that she was feeling magenta - all yucky and messed up...and she just didn't like the color. Well, considering that I like magenta, I can't really say I feel magenta, even though 'yucky' and 'messed up' are there...but for some reason, there's a small bit of hope hiding in the back of this big ball.

I never really saw my disability as life changing. I mean, I knew it was there and would always be there, but I didn't even consider the possibility that it would progress, especially to this point. I've gone from someone who could walk around Disney, to someone who can't even walk; someone who can no longer live on her own. I'm under 40 and living in a nursing home. Everyday, I ask myself if I'm ever going to get out of here. But even if I do, where I end up could possibly be worse!

Sometimes I ask God what kind of game He's playing.

Seriously, if there's a reason that I'm here, I wish I knew what it was. Some people would tell me that He's setting up things...His 'big plan'...wanna fill me in?