I realize that isn't the most uplifting post title for a 4 month absence, but it has really been on my mind lately. I'm not one of those poker face types...my face reads like a book, and when I am sad or mad or annoyed, my face and body language will tell you, even if words don't.
I'm stuck in the past...no arguing that fact. If I hear a song or see something, it may trigger a memory that cuts so deep; I'll have to change the station/channel. I'm thinking that's not normal. Nor is taking 5 years to grieve the loss of someone. But that's how I am...not normal (in many other areas besides this one...but that's a separate blog all in itself) and it takes me a long time to get over things.
It's during these times of extreme sadness and brokenness that I am tempted to (and have) call out to God and shout "where are You? Don't You care that I'm hurting?" and my personal favorite: "how do You expect me to trust You if You won't save me?"
I've been stuck there for a super long time and have often wondered the point of my being alive. There are times when I feel like such a burden to others (both physically and emotionally) that I feel guilty because I think it's unfair to ask someone to help me up when they have themselves and their families to take care of.
I recently read that sometimes God brings you to a place of such darkness, such sadness, such brokenness, that the ONLY place you can go is to Him. Sometimes He'll even take away a "best friend" and not replace or bring them back until He's in that place. While it's true (or so I've heard/read. I have quite worked it out for myself) that God will replace what He has asked you to let go of, it's in HIS timing, not ours. Sometimes that's the worst part of it; we don't know God's timetable...nor will we ever. That completely contradicts today's "gotta have it yesterday" society.
I just have to believe I'll be okay...