Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Anger

Lately my anger (at EVERYTHING) has become more than a nuisance...it's gotten out of control. I've always had a problem with anger, but in the past, I've been able to be (semi-) rational about it. Holding it in, even. Now I've just gotten absolutely ridiculous...yelling at inanimate objects, dogs, myself...

I had a little reprieve last week. I was talking to God (not really praying, but talking...that's another blog for another day) about this problem, and asked Him to help me WANT to change. That seemed to last for a little while. I felt peace; maybe even some joy. But now I'm feeling that monster creeping up inside me again....

I mentioned in an earlier post that depression is the result of being stuck in the past...well I've also heard (or read) that depression is anger turned inward. Is this like a two-for-one special or something? No wonder I'm miserable 99% of the time.

Okay, so where is all this anger coming from? That's what I'd like to know! My father was a very angry man, but I think it's more that just bad genes. His anger is not the issue though. Well, maybe it is...what if his death, in part, is due to the toll his anger took on him?

I don't want to die from the side effects of anger. What a crappy way to go. Not that there's really any good way to die...

What if my anger is keeping me from truly being saved? Is that even possible? I get angry when I think about reading the Bible and praying. God most certainly must not like that...the two things most closely related to Him and I avoid them because of the bad feelings they cause. There's really something wrong with that...

There are times when I don't even WANT to change this. It makes me sad...like I'm disappointing Him. Where am I supposed to go from here?

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