Are you "tortured" by an unforgiving spirit? Ephesians 4:32 has the answer: Meditate on Christ's forgiveness. There is no better way to cultivate your own.In my email today was a devotion about forgiveness. This last line hit me hard. I never thought I had an issue with unforgiveness, but I suppose I do. Yes, there is a person I need to forgive; but more importantly is forgiving myself. Especially for things that aren't my fault.
I think that if I offend or anger someone, I need to make up for it...specifically by buying something. It's the only way that I feel I am worth something...spending my money to buy people things...food, music, movie tickets, etc. I can't fathom that I have something to offer besides money.
But that won't work on myself. I'd rather be mad at myself than other people because I can control it and "pay for what I did wrong." It's easier to torture myself and be mad at me rather than others because I feel guilty for being mad at others in my life. Deeper than that, the other person probably doesn't care if I'm angry, hurt, or offended because of them. That knowledge often hurts more than the anger I started with. And I can't "buy" my own forgiveness. I deserve to be tortured.
That sounds like unforgiveness to me. Do I think I know more than God? Meaning...He forgave me (the Almighty Creator; King of the world), but I think I'm not worthy. That puts it in perspective. I never want to assume I know better than God, but I am assuming just that.
I need to forgive myself...easier said than done though.
Today I will remember that my failure to forgive myself is a prideful choice to not receive your grace.