That being said, there have been several changes I've wanted to make in my life recently:
~Lose weight/Stop being "hungry" (and no more eating when I'm not)
~Exercise/be more active during the day
~Read my Bible more/consistently
~Stop being depressed
This last one is a biggie for me. I keep trying to stop the sadness, to get better
With my futile attempts to get better comes the realization that I am indeed worse. Worse than what? Someone without depression. Someone with depression. Maybe just worse. Well, to be fair...I really wasn't that great a year ago. I don't understand how I could have been stable for all these years and suddenly I'm not anymore. It feels like an excuse to say that the meds aren't working anymore. I'm just doing a crappy job dealing with life situations properly. What is wrong with me?
Isn't this the truth! Most of the time, I really don't. Even though I was diagnosed with it almost 18 years ago, I still don't have a firm grasp on what this depression is doing to me. Why it feels so different. Sometimes I feel like a freak. Like I'm on "The Truman Show", only this is no movie. There's no escape from the thoughts in my head. And these thoughts bother me...make me angry. Who gets angry over dumb stuff like not liking a movie (i.e. Twilight)?
The whole reason for me getting into this is because of a devotional email I got today about trying to change things on my own. Simply put, without God's help, none of the stuff on my to-do list (above) will ever get done. Especially when I'm trying to force a change...which is what I do.
"I just won't eat when I feel hungry."
"I'll make myself walk more."
"I WILL get this chapter written today."
Of course, none of that ends up happening because it feels wrong...then there's anger. All because I'm trying to reverse my autopilot (the part of me the cruising along with minimal effort) by myself.
It's not always easy, but asking God for the strength and will to change has to be the first part of the change. The rest will fall into place as long as it lines up with His will .