Thursday, January 31, 2013

Reversing Autopilot

At least I know when to throw in the towel. The depression blog wasn't going too well, so I just merged it with this one. It all seemed to relate anyway...my screwed up existence. That's what it feels like sometimes. I'm just OTF - Out There Flapping

That being said, there have been several changes I've wanted to make in my life recently:

~Lose weight/Stop being "hungry" (and no more eating when I'm not)

~Exercise/be more active during the day

~Read my Bible more/consistently

~Write everyday

~Stop being depressed

This last one is a biggie for me. I keep trying to stop the sadness, to get better





Always...


With my futile attempts to get better comes the realization that I am indeed worse. Worse than what? Someone without depression. Someone with depression. Maybe just worse. Well, to be fair...I really wasn't that great a year ago. I don't understand how I could have been stable for all these years and suddenly I'm not anymore. It feels like an excuse to say that the meds aren't working anymore. I'm just doing a crappy job dealing with life situations properly. What is wrong with me?





Isn't this the truth! Most of the time, I really don't. Even though I was diagnosed with it almost 18 years ago, I still don't have a firm grasp on what this depression is doing to me. Why it feels so different. Sometimes I feel like a freak. Like I'm on "The Truman Show", only this is no movie. There's no escape from the thoughts in my head. And these thoughts bother me...make me angry. Who gets angry over dumb stuff like not liking a movie (i.e. Twilight)?

Anyway...

The whole reason for me getting into this is because of a devotional email I got today about trying to change things on my own. Simply put, without God's help, none of the stuff on my to-do list (above) will ever get done. Especially when I'm trying to force a change...which is what I do.

"I just won't eat when I feel hungry."
"I'll make myself walk more."
"I WILL get this chapter written today."

Of course, none of that ends up happening because it feels wrong...then there's anger. All because I'm trying to reverse my autopilot (the part of me the cruising along with minimal effort) by myself.

It's not always easy, but asking God for the strength and will to change has to be the first part of the change. The rest will fall into place as long as it lines up with His will .

1 comment:

  1. Kathryn,
    I went through a profound depression a few years ago, and to some extent I deal with it everyday. You are right, without God's help you can't do it on your own. Look up Jennifer Rothchild's Bible studies. They really helped me. I know there's no quick fix, but God will help you deal with it. Also Joy Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind is an excellent book. She tells us we don't have to own each and every thought that comes into our heads. I will pray for you my friend. Hang in there, God is with you!

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