my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect:
The LORD's word is flawless;
he shields all who take refuge in him.
- Psalm 18:28-30
All of us have experienced times when our lives grew dark - when hope seemed futile, when confusion set in, when we felt alone. David knew how dark life could seem at times. When he wrote this prayer, the memories of fleeing in terror from King Saul's manhunt and hiding in dark, damp caves were fresh in his mind.
Yet, he focused on God's light in his life - the light that dispelled the confusion of darkness. With this light, David saw clearly that God's way was perfect, even if it brought him through dark and dangerous valleys. God would always prove himself true to his promises. God would always be with him to protect him.
When you are traveling a dark road, remind yourself of David's experience with God - of how God led him through those dark places. Use David's prayer to remind yourself of God's light in your life.
-NIV Once-A-Day Devotional Bible for Women
Living with depression is sometimes like living in the dark. I grasp at those precious moments where the light is turned on; where everything is okay. At times, that light lasts a long time; others, it's just a fleeting moment.
I wish I had the confidence of David. I wish I knew beyond the shadow of any doubt that God would fulfill His promises. In thinking about it, I do believe that...for everyone else. Not that God takes pleasure in watching me squirm; but that He doesn't desire for me the same things He desires for everyone else. That's my dark place.
I go back there a lot...it's safe. I know what to expect. It hurts that I feel so disappointed as I watch the time pass, but I no longer have expectations.
I wanted this blog post to have a happy ending, like with me saying that I don't think that way anymore or that I worked through my issues, but that's not the case. I look at people who are 10-12 years younger than I am who are already married and have kids. That's one of the things I want most. I can't get past the idea that God doesn't want me to have this. And maybe He doesn't. Maybe it's not in His will. But then why do I have such a strong desire for it? Maybe it's just not time. That makes me hopeful. But is it just foolish to just believe without any proof? I've believed in so many things because I felt like God was "telling" me. They never came to pass...maybe I was only "hearing" what I wanted to. I should've learned my lesson by now.
Fortunately for me, God will continue pursuing me and blessing me whether I believe it or not.
Dear Lord, thank you for lighting up my darkness...