Monday, October 31, 2011

Days 17 and 18

I realize that as much as I want others to read my blog, it's really for me. I started this with the idea that I could get some accountability in keeping up with my therapy, and I am. I'm accountable to my blog! :)

I went to therapy today and my therapist looked at my progress (after I almost killed myself on the bike -- I never knew 10 minutes of pedaling would make me that tired -- BUT I did it...for the whole time). He told me that my range of motion has gotten better and I'm getting stronger. YAY!!! The exercises are getting easier and my legs actually feel stronger. It's working. That makes me a happy girl.

The biggest thing I need to remember is to STRETCH. Maybe 2 or 3 times a day.

Overall, I'm proud of myself...is that bad?

Physically, that is...

Emotionally, I'm mad at me. I wish I could punish myself. Why do I feel this way? Why can't I get over this? I just want to be normal!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Days 13-16

Well, it’s been 2 weeks…I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at a setback. There were 3 days this week (Wed, Thur, and Fri) that I didn't do my exercises. I have been increasingly depressed since last Sunday (the 23rd), culminating in me crying hysterically last night. I gave myself a headache. It was not pretty.

I hate being depressed. It's become more of a struggle than getting through physical therapy. I forced myself to do my exercises today, and have to admit that I felt better. But still, I had to force myself. I didn't want 3 days to turn into 4...and then 5...

My back is feeling better and, although my hips are hurting, I feel better than I did 2 months ago. Physically, that is.

Emotionally is another story, though. I have a hard time explaining myself, but I'm just stuck. Things that shouldn't bother me are overtaking my entire world and I can't see past them. And I feel like I'm the only one on earth who has to deal with this. God help me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Days 4-12

Wowsers. That is a rather large gap. And now that I'm sitting to write about it, I can't remember that far back. Oh well. I'll work with what I've got.

The beginning part of this "week" was not great. My exercises were tough and I was still hurting. I started going to therapy 2 times a week. It's been a lot of work for me.

I went to therapy when I was younger, but I didn't do the exercises at home. This time around, I was determined to do what the therapist told me. At first, I only did the exercises so I wouldn't get yelled at; but as time has gone on, I've decided that I want to get better. More importantly, I don't want to be stuck in bed all day. I guess that was the biggest thing that happened to me this "week".

I didn't see my exercises as a chore today...I didn't mind doing them. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they're done; but I am starting to see the benefit. My legs are getting stronger and the pain is dissipating. Of course, some days are not this positive, but that's another part of the recovery process: taking things as they come. It seems learning that lesson is just as important, if not moreso, than doing daily exercises.

I also want to continue to lose weight. I'm almost at my goal...under 200 pounds.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Days 2 and 3

I was planning to do an entry each day, but that didn't happen. I am pledging to do at least two entries a week, however.

Sadly, I must admit that I forgot the exercises that the therapist gave me to do. :( But, there is a bright side...I made up my own! I did them both on Saturday and today (Sunday). I'd like to start pedaling as well, but I want to make sure I keep up with the leg exercises before throwing something else into the mix.

I still get tired waaaayyy too easily. That bothers me. I keep thinking I should be able to do this. I get nervous when I'm walking...always afraid I will fall...maybe I'll bring that up with the therapist on Wednesday.

I've been using my chair at church. It's kind of a catch-22. I feel awkward with and without it. I think I'm the only one who feels weird though. People are happy to see me regardless. I just feel so helpless and useless. I'm *ahem ahem* years old and need a wheelchair to get around sometimes; when I see people in their 70's and 80's who have no problems with mobility. I don't (usually) wish I didn't have a disability, I just think I'm too young to need that much help. Again, this seems to be more my issue than anyone else's.

I'm not trying to say I'm better than anyone else; more deserving; or even looking for pity. I just want to be real.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Day 1

Today I started physical therapy to help me recover from the back surgery I had almost a month ago. I actually don't have back pain any more, now it's just in my legs. I don't know if it's weakness or if it's my nerves. That's a separate issue, though.

So, PT went well. Of course, I was exhausted afterwards. But that's par for the course these days. I get tired after everything. I hope PT helps with that. I got some exercises to do...mostly leg lifts. We'll see how long I actually do them.

That's why I started this blog...to get some accountability for doing my exercises. Wanna help me?

Friday, October 7, 2011

The Epic Battle

Mind over matter. But what if the problem lies in my mind?

As I mentioned in my last entry, I'm having a tough time with this recovery thing. Not just physically, but mentally. I'm starting to feel worn out and drained (on both fronts). The actual pain is dissipating (not so much in my legs -- but PT should help with that), and I'm left with feeling guilty for laying in bed all day. Not to mention that I don't think I have a reason to be tired. But how would I feel if I allowed myself to rest...at least for a few days?

Guilt is a powerful thing. For me, it's as much a physical condition as mental. I cry about everything. Because I hurt, because I'm not 'better', because I shouldn't be crying...sometimes (no lie), I cry because I have to leave the dog by himself. I think the root of this is guilt...I shouldn't be feeling this way.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. Am I the only one who gets sad about everything? How can I win the battle over physical healing when my head is so messed up?

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Recovery Time

This is taking too long!! It's just been two weeks, but the whole purpose of the surgery was so that I wasn't stuck in bed all day. I'm usually a patient person, except with myself. I need to get moving again, but I can't.

My default thinking process is that I'm not trying hard enough. But what if that's not true? Who is the judge of that? I guess there really can't be one. The problem is that if I tell myself to take it easy once, I'm afraid that I'll never push myself and won't get back to where I used to be (which wasn't so great to begin with).

The information I was given regarding the surgery specifically said that it may take several weeks before I'm not feeling drained all the time, but (in my mind), that doesn't apply to me. I will not allow myself time to rest (even though that's all I'm able to do).

What if that's what God wants...for me to rest? I'm so quick to do things for everyone else, but not listen to Him. And He's the only one who matters, right?

I'm starting to see the point of rehab. I wanted out so bad...but now that I'm finally out, I kinda wish I was back there. Everyone was so patient. No one cared if I was having a bad day and couldn't get out of bed. Unfortunately, I don't have the funds to stay there any longer that I did.

When I first got there, I was afraid I'd be stuck there forever. I was so depressed (still am--but that's another post for a different day). I didn't want to do anything...until I started physical therapy.

I start again tomorrow...maybe that's 'the push' I need.