Wednesday, August 17, 2011

At the brilliant suggestion of a friend from church (props to you, DeNeal!!), I've decided to re-enter the blogging world. My life has (in my mind) taken a tumble, and I can't seem to wrap my poor brain around the changes in my life. Granted, they aren't that big a deal; but to me they are crushing.

I guess the main 'problem' (and I use the term loosely) going on right now is my disability. I really can't complain, but I’ve been in a lot more pain recently and it’s getting harder to just accept it and move on. Some days, it’s a toss-up as to whether I’ll be able to get out of bed.

The inability to do things is the hardest, I think. The other day, I washed my new sheets and mattress pad, and when it came time to get them out of the dryer, I had this overwhelming fatigue in my whole body and was barely able to do it. I cried for about 20 minutes because I couldn’t make my own bed. Of course, I only succeeded in making matters worse. But I hate that tiredness. I feel so ridiculous…I walk from my room to the kitchen, and I have to rest. I’ve found that sometimes, getting a bowl of cereal (even just thinking about it) makes me so tired. And it’s not just my legs…it goes through my arms…I even have trouble holding my head up. Gah!!!

Then there’s the pain. I have a multitude of issues going on in my back, the worst of which (as of right now anyway) is sciatica. And it’s not just my back…no, siree. That would be too easy. I have a pain radiating down my right leg. The only way to describe it is a pulled hamstring that never gets any better. The whole thing is a catch 22. Gotta love that! The way to keep my legs/back from getting stiff is to move around, but moving around is painful and difficult. What’s a girl to do?

Since I live with a dog (literally), it is my responsibility to let him out during the day. I do this 3-4 times each day, and it has evolved into a routine. Also, it is 3 or 4 times I have to get out of my bed…and, while I’m up, I’ll eat…(and possibly do laundry, clean my room, etc…) unless I am fatigued or sitting upright is too much for me to deal with. Since my nutritional intake is horrid, I drink a Boost drink everyday…which might end up being a meal.

Where does God fit into all of this? Well, lately I’ve been asking why. Why am I in this pain? Why can’t I do anything? Why bother being alive? I can’t possibly do any good lying here, hurting. Maybe that’s where my writing comes in. It’s how I reach people.

The bigger thing to realize is that it’s not about me…

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