When people ask you what's wrong and you can't explain because you know if you said 'I was watching celebrity videos and I should know better because they make me cry as well as laugh, but mostly cry', they'd think you're absolutely nuts. I'm worried I'll never be able to watch regular TV again or listen to something other than twenty one pilots. I can't even watch funny videos on YouTube.
But I guess we all do what we got to to survive. I am getting tired of feeling what I categorize as 'not normal'. Living where I do (in Assisted Living...think one step before nursing home), no one seems to understand what I'm feeling. Commercials make me jealous because they feature families and I'm STILL single, I hate game shows because I will never be that excited (I can't jump around stage like the contestants do)...all I'm reminded of is what I can no longer do. Back in the day, I really didn't care...probably because I had a chance to do these things.
I really miss the old days. I had my friends, things I loved, I knew what I wanted in life. I was so carefree; never believing that I'd lose my independence, my motivation, my happiness.
The big thing I've realized lately is that I HATE CHANGE. My friends are all married with kids and some have moved, and I'll all but lost communication with them. It's so different now from when I first got into school. Looking back I realize that there was so much promise...and now there is none. Back then, anything could happen and there were no limits. Today, all there are are limits. And change...
I've actually stopped watching shows because too much change has happened. Change is unavoidable; I realize this, however, I've seen change being untrue to a character's personality. The best way I can think to illustrate this example is the TV show House, M.D.
Anyone who knows me knows how much I love this show. The main reason I love it so much is that even though there were some big changes in the show (new cast/team, Huddy, jail, rehab, etc...), House stayed true to his character. Even in his relationship with Wilson, House rode the fine line between being a full-blown ass-hat, and being the caring best friend - and he rode it perfectly.
When it first debuted, I hated season 4...mainly because the team changed. But House didn't and now it's my favorite season.
I'm not sure whether people's personalities change or life situations change and which bothers me more, but sometimes it seems that everyone is moving on, and I'm just stuck. Sort of on purpose, I guess. In the back of my head, that makes them better than me. God loves them more than me.
Even now, my head (and 12 years of Catholic school education), are screaming: you know that's not true. Along with the very common: the enemy is just trying to drag you down. Most times, I'm tempted to say "he's really doing a bang-up job!" Not because I like feeling sorry for myself, but it's like that's the only explanation that makes me feel okay...it's my fault. I'm letting the enemy control me. A lot of times, it's easier to give in than try to fight, especially when I'm uncertain about what I'm fighting for (which is mostly always).
I'm not an optimistic person...not anymore.
I somehow doubt that this world view will ever change, even if hell were to freeze over and I were to meet and start dating someone. Recently, I've met someone that I "like". It's been so long, and I'm kinda not sure how to react. Not that it really matters, since I haven't seen him since March, but when's it going to be my turn? It just doesn't seem fair to me. Everyone else gets kids and birthdays and family vacations, and I get a big fat nothing. Wait, I take that back, I have my Furball.