Saturday, November 5, 2016

Midnight (Well, 10:58 pm) Musings

When people ask you what's wrong and you can't explain because you know if you said 'I was watching celebrity videos and I should know better because they make me cry as well as laugh, but mostly cry', they'd think you're absolutely nuts. I'm worried I'll never be able to watch regular TV again or listen to something other than twenty one pilots. I can't even watch funny videos on YouTube.

But I guess we all do what we got to to survive. I am getting tired of feeling what I categorize as 'not normal'. Living where I do (in Assisted Living...think one step before nursing home), no one seems to understand what I'm feeling. Commercials make me jealous because they feature families and I'm STILL single, I hate game shows because I will never be that excited (I can't jump around stage like the contestants do)...all I'm reminded of is what I can no longer do. Back in the day, I really didn't care...probably because I had a chance to do these things.

I really miss the old days. I had my friends, things I loved, I knew what I wanted in life. I was so carefree; never believing that I'd lose my independence, my motivation, my happiness. 

The big thing I've realized lately is that I HATE CHANGE.  My friends are all married with kids and some have moved, and I'll all but lost communication with them.  It's so different now from when I first got into school. Looking back I realize that there was so much promise...and now there is none. Back then, anything could happen and there were no limits. Today, all there are are limits. And change...

I've actually stopped watching shows because too much change has happened. Change is unavoidable; I realize this, however, I've seen change being untrue to a character's personality. The best way I can think to illustrate this example is the TV show House, M.D.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love this show.  The main reason I love it so much is that even though there were some big changes in the show (new cast/team, Huddy, jail, rehab, etc...), House stayed true to his character. Even in his relationship with Wilson, House rode the fine line between being a full-blown ass-hat, and being the caring best friend - and he rode it perfectly. 

When it first debuted, I hated season 4...mainly because the team changed. But House didn't and now it's my favorite season.

I'm not sure whether people's personalities change or life situations change and which bothers me more, but sometimes it seems that everyone is moving on, and I'm just stuck. Sort of on purpose, I guess.  In the back of my head, that makes them better than me. God loves them more than me.
Even now, my head (and 12 years of Catholic school education), are screaming: you know that's not true. Along with the very common: the enemy is just trying to drag you down.  Most times, I'm tempted to say "he's really doing a bang-up job!" Not because I like feeling sorry for myself, but it's like that's the only explanation that makes me feel okay...it's my fault. I'm letting the enemy control me. A lot of times, it's easier to give in than try to fight, especially when I'm uncertain about what I'm fighting for (which is mostly always).
I'm not an optimistic person...not anymore.



I somehow doubt that this world view will ever change, even if hell were to freeze over and I were to meet and start dating someone. Recently, I've met someone that I "like". It's been so long, and I'm kinda not sure how to react. Not that it really matters, since I haven't seen him since March, but when's it going to be my turn? It just doesn't seem fair to me. Everyone else gets kids and birthdays and family vacations, and I get a big fat nothing. Wait, I take that back, I have my Furball. 

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Almost Christmas

So it's Christmas Eve. We've celebrated at my aunt's house for as long as I can remember. I've feared this day since August. August 6th exactly. My aunt died that day...right around 4pm. I have residual anger about her death, as well as with her; but I'll save that ranting for a future post.

I've actually never liked the Christmas season -- the commercial part. The true meaning, of course, is to celebrate Christ's birth (which happened in July, I believe...but I digress). I heard or read somewhere (probably facebook) that somebody passed a store display with the three wise men, and said: 'look, now they're dragging religion into Christmas'. People probably laughed, but, seriously, if I met this person, I'd smack the living crap outta them so far that google can't even find them.

I'm the last person to be talking about Jesus and being close to the Lord (Again, another blog post), but stuff like that really irks me. Also, writing Xmas. (More Christmas pet peeves will come out later in this post, I'm fairly certain) But every year Christmas becomes more and more commercialized, it's disgusting. Thanksgiving doesn't even get recognized anymore. Goes from Halloween straight to Christmas. Thanksgiving is actually my favorite holiday. There's no expectation of anything except yummy food, stomachaches, and the parade. I did the same thing every year (at least I did). Watch the parade and get all excited about the teenie bopper bands; watch the dog show (which I'm not thrilled about, but...tradition); and look at the black Friday ads to see what was going to be on sale, and what absolutely useless to me electronic thingy I wanted. Of course, it would be useless to me, but if my niece wanted it...she got it. That's another reason I'm not big on this time of year. It became a 'let's spoil Ali party'. It was always about her. ALWAYS.

Another thing...Christmas in shorts? That's just not cool. Hahahaha...I'm so punny sometimes.

Throw in Seasonal Affective Disorder and no parents....recipe for fun! NOT

This year is extra icky because I'm in...well, basically a nursing home...and even though I have somewhere to go for Christmas, I can't get past the hopelessness, helplessness, and loneliness. I think I've taken more Xanax in the past month, then like...ever.

So no Christmas cheer from this girl...try self-loathing...got plenty of that

Monday, December 14, 2015

my pomegranate period

I've decided that this can best be termed as my pomegranate period. I was watching 'The Golden Girls' yesterday, and Blanche mentioned that she was feeling magenta - all yucky and messed up...and she just didn't like the color. Well, considering that I like magenta, I can't really say I feel magenta, even though 'yucky' and 'messed up' are there...but for some reason, there's a small bit of hope hiding in the back of this big ball.

I never really saw my disability as life changing. I mean, I knew it was there and would always be there, but I didn't even consider the possibility that it would progress, especially to this point. I've gone from someone who could walk around Disney, to someone who can't even walk; someone who can no longer live on her own. I'm under 40 and living in a nursing home. Everyday, I ask myself if I'm ever going to get out of here. But even if I do, where I end up could possibly be worse!

Sometimes I ask God what kind of game He's playing.

Seriously, if there's a reason that I'm here, I wish I knew what it was. Some people would tell me that He's setting up things...His 'big plan'...wanna fill me in?

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Robin Williams

Disclaimer: this post is very opinionated. Mental Illness  is a BIG issue for me. I get very passionate when I talk about it. But they are my opinions and I'm not assuming that anyone sees things the way I do. Writing I think 25 gazillion times will get tedious and repetitive and boring. And 1 more thing, if you want to discuss/argue religious theory with me, DO NOT DO IT! I am in no mood to have to defend my opinions to anyone.

As you've no doubt heard by now, we lost one of the most brilliant, beloved actors of all time: Robin Williams. I absolutely loved him, even if I didn't like the character he portrayed. I was truly heartbroken by the news. After I read about this and scrolled through the hundreds of Facebook posts about him, I was completely unable to concentrate. I'm still waiting to read that it was just a rumor. Guess I'll be waiting a long time...

If I'm so deeply affected by the death of a man I've never had the privilege of meeting, I cannot begin to fathom the sadness his wife feels.

His tragic suicide (I don't know if that's the official COD or not) has brought mental illness into the spotlight, which has been a good thing. One of the catchphrases I've been seeing a lot is: "depression is no joke". As a psychology/counseling major, I 150% agree with this statement. It IS real and not something someone can just get over if they try hard enough. IMO, that only perpetuates and intensifies the sadness. When I'm told to 'suck it up', I feel guilty that I was giving in and wonder what I was doing so wrong - so many others don't have to deal with this extreme sadness that comes out of nowhere. Prayer is a big solution is many people's eyes. "You don't believe enough. Increase your faith and pray more. Ask God for help to take it away. God is trying to teach you something." I have heard these trite phrases so many times, I've stopped talking to certain people about what I feel. There's also the popular: "the devil is attacking you. Rise up against him and turn back to God." Okay, now I do believe in spiritual attacks, however, some of these so-called attacks seem simple and easily conquered to others when they're not (It's NOT your struggle). This seems to be a giant cop out at times. "I don't want to take responsibility for the fact that I've done something wrong, so I'll say 'the devil made me do it'." Some things we do are part of our sin nature, which, yes, involves the devil; and we need to step up, admit we were wrong, and do our best to turn away from the behavior or (in some cases) person. As I mentioned before, I DO believe in spiritual attacks. I've seen them a lot in churches. I also agree with the statement that the devil works on those closest to God. He doesn't need to spend time trying to change the unsaved or those who have backslid since they are further from God and therefore not a threat to him.

All this to say that while prayer is important, it may not be enough. Most depression is a chemical imbalance, and while God can miraculously heal people when it fits with His will/purpose (usually to bring Him glory), medication is an important facet of treatment for many people, myself included. Pairing these with some form of talk therapy (group, spiritual guidance, etc...) is an extremely effective way to combat the daily symptoms of depression. Depression is a disease, much like alcoholism. You can be recovered, maintaining sobriety, using coping skills and applying them to life, and begin to recognize signs of relapse; but it doesn't go away. Some people get to the point where they feel stable and capable enough to live life without medication. I think that is great! I'd love to say that I will get to that point sometime, but I don't see it happening. I rely heavily on my medication and people can tell when I haven't taken it. This can easily turn into a rant about addiction, but I'm not going there. Instead, I will rant on about mental illness...

Back to Robin. I've read many posts that talk about how depression does not discriminate. It can affect famous people too. If one of the funniest people on the planet can have depression and/or addiction issues, anyone can. If you're feeling sad or like you're drowning in despair (even if it's situational/temporary), PLEASE PLEASE tell someone.

It's like verbal, mental, and emotional abuse - because there are no physical scars....NO ONE BELIEVES IT IS REAL.



...I think I'll miss his smile the most...


Hear Me by Imagine Dragons (this song has gotten me through so many trying times)

Try to hear my voice
You can leave, now it's your choice

Maybe if I fall asleep, I won't breathe right
Maybe if I leave tonight, I won't come back

I said it before, I won't say it again
Love is a game to you, it's not pretend
Maybe if I fall asleep, I won't breathe right

Can nobody hear me?
I got a lot that's on my mind
I cannot breathe
Can you hear it, too?

You kiss and you kiss
And you love and you love
You got a history list and the rest is above
And if you're warm, then you can't relate to me
From the floor to the floor
And the sky to the sky
You've got to love and adore and the rest is awry
And if you're warm, then you can't relate to me

I said it before, I won't say it again
Love is a game to you, it's not pretend
Maybe if I fall asleep, I won't breathe right, right, right

Can nobody hear me?
I got a lot that's on my mind
I cannot breathe
Can you hear it, too?

Leave your shoes at the door, baby
I am all you adore, lately
Come with me and we will run away

Can nobody hear me?
I got a lot that's on my mind
I cannot breathe
Can you hear it, too?
Can nobody hear me?
I got a lot that's on my mind
I cannot breathe
Can you hear it, too?






Friday, January 10, 2014

The New Year - 2014

I always found it kind of weird that when wishing someone a Happy New Year, it's like you're only wishing them one day of happiness, like you're saying Merry Christmas or Happy Thanksgiving. But you actually have a whole 365 days to make happy.

I was thinking about that the other day when I resolved to actually be awake, but I let myself sleep in (although noon was pushing it) because the strangest thing happened to me the night before (or shall I say morning). Every muscle in my body tensed up at the same time. It was torture. What was even worse? No one cared...it was like this was an everyday occurrence. Which it's not, by the way.
Sometimes I feel like some people see my pain as no big deal...something I'm making up. Like I would make this crap up. Ha! That's funny...

The thought occurs to me now that I probably sound like a whiny, ungrateful brat; but I hate having things I say, do, or feel brushed aside like they were nothing. Granted, I am a hypochondriac, and wish that there was a pill for everything..sometimes, I'm convinced there is. I'd only be on 842 drugs; hopefully with no serious interactions. One day I'll have to tell you about the time I stupidly washed down some pills with a daiquiri...won't be doing that anymore.

The reasons I make such a big deal out of a papercut (okay, not literally, but you get my point, right?) actually have merit (at least I'd like to think so):
1) since God only knows what's going on in this sorry excuse for a body, I really don't know what simple thing could turn into a serious problem...like I had surgery on my knee last year (feels so weird saying that) that wasn't anything major, but instead of healing properly, the side of my leg has a big hole in it where it got infected. Ugh! Why can't I have a normal body?
2) my mother didn't go to the doctor and cancer spread and killed her.

the fun meter on this blog, though not high to begin with, has nosedived into 'morbidly depressing'. I seem to have a knack for doing that. I forgot how completely exhausting it is to be in pain all day. Will not be skipping the Aleve tomorrow...

I titled this 'the new year', so here are some resolutions (which I've broken already):

1) I'm going to stop biting my nails. I've had this habit since I was 5 (at least) -- and I have to keep reminding myself that I can't quit in one day, and it's okay if I slip up. All together now: "it's okay if I slip up"

2) I will write for at least an hour each day. 
I lost my motivation...it's the new year, and I can't get excited about my book anymore. Today's the first day I followed through on my resolution :(

3) I will do devotions every morning. I initially added "writing in my journal every night" to this, but I'm finding that forcing myself to write is just making me angry. I seem to be having an issue with God and His timing, and writing it down is not helping me to get over it.

So far, I've had the most success with #3. But it's only January 10th, can't get excited yet.



Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Burdensome

You know what I hate? People who speak for other people.

"She's already got enough going on."
"If you keep asking her to do stuff for you, she won't be your friend."
"You can't make them to do that. It's not fair."

If you're trying to make me feel guilty, congratulations, it worked!

These things have actually been said to me. First of all, I want to point out that the people in these scenarios are all adults, and, get this, can say NO. A friend (who I've never asked for anything) once said that "if you can't say no to a person, you have no right saying yes." I don't think I need to say any more about that.

But these barbs, as simple and non-offensive and helpful as you may believe they are, hurt. And I'll tell you why...I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THINGS FOR MYSELF is what I hear along with the teacher of Peanuts fame. "Wah. Wah. Wah. You're no good. You ask for too much. You're in the way. Ain't no one got time for that." If I didn't add that last one, I'd be crying.

There goes another piece of my independence. *waves* Toodles. As if I already don't have a constant reminder that things are declining and life is getting tougher...you're giving me another one. Well, aren't you kind...

I personally have enough trouble keeping track of my own life to play my sister's keeper for anyone else. And I certainly don't want to put anyone in a position where they "have" to do something. No one HAS to do diddly squat for me! Nor do I expect anyone to cater to me. Besides, I'm a resourceful gal, I can figure out how to get something done on my own...or get myself anywhere I need to go. I have a Masters' for goodness sakes! I also worked in a Center for INDEPENDENT Living for 2 years. If I'm really in a bind, THEN I'll ask for a hand...or ride...and 9 times out of 10, I find someone happy to help. That's the definition of a friend!!!

One more thing: why is it not okay for me to ask someone "with a full plate" for help, but for you, it's all good? Is it because I'm getting in your way...taking time away from you?

I've often wondered why I even bother to think of asking for help, if I'm only going to feel like a nuisance doing so.

So often I forget that these are lies of the enemy (well, the self-depricating parts). God doesn't see me that way at all. I don't bother Him, and I know that He loves me enough to put people in my path who will say "sure, I'd be glad to help."

God has been taking me on a journey of healing these last almost 2 years. Physical healing, healing in my spiritual life, healing damaged and/or broken emotions, and healing relationships (that's a biggie...it ranks up there with healing from the sting of unrequited love, or as I like to call it, my life). I can't say I've enjoyed it, it definitely hasn't been easy, but I am in a much better place then I was when I first got here. I went from whining and moaning about how I didn't want to be here to being happy where God has me. I'd call that a success any day. And here's the most awesome thing: God's not done!

Monday, October 7, 2013

not a happy camper

I need to get this blogging absence stuff under control...or under a schedule. I like schedules...and belly rubs.
Okay...belly rubs, not so much. Hmmm...treats? Yeah! I do like treats. I'll admit, this is a happy camper picture...but because I'm annoying like that, I like to throw people off. Actually, I just realized that the 4 of you reading this (myself included...twice) don't care. You'd rather I just get to the point. But if I did that, this post would end up being two sentences long.

I'm really not a happy camper. I've fallen 3 times in the past 2 weeks...and the paramedics had to come twice. I think that they have a special service or whatever that just helps people get off the floor. Maybe I should put that on speed dial. And it's an ingenious idea...because this has happened to me at least four times. That would be at least $200 of the government's hard earned money (since I have to pay at least $50 per ambulance call)! But in today's society, would it really be hard earned? I don't do politics and government stuff, so I digress...

I was really going somewhere with this falling thing, but, if you haven't learned by now, you have to be patient with me -- I will eventually meander back to the topic at hand. Since falling (or, as I like to call it: 'body checking the pavement') has become a more frequent occurrence these days, we (my family & I) have agreed that it would be a good idea to use my walker full time. That's like one of the last pieces of my independence! I always say 'at least I can still walk'. How long until that's not true anymore? And after that lovely day, the challenges still continue! I'm sorry to be such a whiny baby...well, maybe I'm not. We all face challenges and limitations. I'm not saying mine are worse than other people's...I'm not wishing for a different set of circumstances (although, if God were to decide to heal me, that'd be cool)...or even a different life; all I'm saying is that this bites! It reminds me that no one really has any idea what the hell I actually HAVE...and so therefore it could be fatal...it could be curable...it could be treated completely differently than it is right now...who knows? Yes, I know God does...but it's going to be a few days until that brings me any comfort.