It has been too long...I've missed blogging. I've actually visited this place (or thought about coming) a multitude of times, but I never had anything to write. I still really don't have a set topic in mind...but I do have ideas and sayings that should spark something...

God wants us to be prisoners of hope. Remain steadfast in hope today -- Joyce Meyer

Hope...it's one of those things that I say I have ('oh yeah, I'm hopeful'), but do I really? I think I've always associated hope with naivety. "I have hope that things will change" is the same as "I'm too ignorant to see things for what they really are. Nothing's going to change."

Is that selling God short? Maybe I'm just asking for it (nothing to change)...like poking a beehive with a stick. But where is the line between having hope and not accepting reality? I think that's where discernment comes in... 

"Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek him." -- Hebrews 11:6

Faith...I have no problem believing that God exists; but where my big problem comes in is believing that God wants to do...anything...for me. 'Earnestly seeking Him' seems kind of futile when I don't believe it has any effect.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -- Romans 12:12

Patience...that one's kinda easy. When things are going wrong or I have pain, I believe that God has a reason for it. That He's going to be glorified.

It was kinda funny...last night I was telling my Grandmother that my insurance finally approved the MRI. My Aunt and Grandmother both asked where the MRI was, I told them on my back, then my Aunt asked if I was still having pain there...I told her 'every day'. I figured that they had no idea and then I realized that that's how God can be seen in affliction. 

I guess I need to start from the beginning...learn to believe that God wants me to have good things and be happy.

Oh, and the stopping nail biting experiment was a total bust...I must not be ready. :(

still working on that...

If God is going to be God to us, we must trust in him ... "My eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge" (Psalm 141:8). "My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge" (2 Samuel 22:3).

God is the only one in whom we can trust. Every other creature is a false refuge. They are like the Egyptian reed - too weak to support us, but strong enough to wound us (2 Kings 18:21) ... Only God is a sufficient foundation to build our trust upon. When we trust him, we make him a God to us; when we do not trust him, we make him an idol.

To trust in God means to rely on his power as a Creator, and on his love as a Father. Trusting in God involves committing our primary treasure - our soul - to him. "Into your hands I commit my spirit" (Psalm 31:5). As the orphan trusts his guardian to care for his inheritance, so we trust God with our souls. When we do, he becomes our God.

 -- Thomas Watson {AD 1620-1686}

 Don't undo in doubt what you began in faith

I want to blog. I need to blog. But what to blog about. Usually I come into these posts with a preplanned idea; something that has been weighing on my heart. But tonight...nada. Maybe I'll look over my 'cheat sheet' and find something magical. Or at least something to expound upon... 

Coming Clean About Our Weaknesses

One of the most counter-intuitive statements our Lord ever made does not describe very well the day-to-day perspective of almost anyone I know: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" [2 Corinthians 12:9].

Now how about that? We spend our lives telling each other to focus on our strengths, to work in our core skill sets, to dance with the thing that brought us to the party, to perfect our brand, and to protect our image. This is not the beginning of an argument to tell you not to use your strengths, but it is to say [this:]

If you want to see the power of God at work in your life, you'll have to quit hiding your weaknesses from people and from him - as though you can hide anything long enough to actually get it past God or even the people who know you.

 [This teaching] really just means you have to be honest, to deal in truth rather than fiction. This is the requirement of Jesus that scares [the living daylights] out of most Christians.

-Bond of Brothers: Connecting with Other Men Beyond Work, Weather, and Sports (eBook) by Wes Yoder

I am not a strong person. Even though the events in my life would suggest otherwise. I've never had a problem talking about my weakness, but the passage from 2 Corinthians is sticking with me; particularly the second half: "my power is made perfect in weakness."

I cannot see weakness as a good thing. I also do not see how God can use me; a person with so many flaws. I think I am on the opposite end of this post's spectrum...I deal in the fiction that my weaknesses are all too real instead of the fiction that my weaknesses are non-existent.

Hmmm...but what if focusing on my weaknesses helps me to push harder?

God is perfect. I guess it would only make sense that weakness is made perfect by perfection. Or at least seen as perfection. What we all need to realize, myself especially, is that God created me. He knows what my imperfections are. He gave them to me. What better testament then to see these detriments turn to beauty with no physical evidence of such a change occurring? Knowing that God changed me because He loves me...but also because He wants to show people who He is and how much He wants everyone to know and believe in Him.

I believe...

Rolling Away the Stones

"So ... what you're telling me is, even our God isn't big enough to help you change?"

He got me... Like many other Christian Atheists, I believed the lie that I couldn't change...

Admitting our problems is only the first step. After that, we must invite God to work, because he is the one who can change any problem... With people, change may be difficult, even impossible - but not with God. God is bigger than our problems, no matter what they are. If you've believed that you simply can't change, acknowledge that that is a lie. With God, all things are possible... If you're not dead, you're not done.

-The Christian Atheist: Believing in God but Living As If He Doesn't Exist, by Craig Groeschel


For Easter yesterday, I decided to go with my grandmother to her church; the Catholic church. Being raised a Catholic, I am quite familiar with the mass; but decided after high school that it wasn't for me...actually, I decided that NO church was for me...but I'm not here to discuss my "encounter with God" (so to speak) that finally brought me to church or bash any other religion or church. But I will say this: now that I'm older, I can appreciate the mass and get something out of the homily.

Yesterday's message was about, as my post title suggests, rolling away the stones. The gospel reading was about Mary Magdalene finding the empty tomb of Jesus on Easter morning. The priest spoke about the areas in our lives that we have closed off by stones to block access to everyone; including God. I know there are quite a few in my life...especially ones I refuse to acknowledge. I want to believe that I allow God's light to shine into every room, but I don't. I know I don't.

The worst habit I have is biting my nails. I've done so since I was a kid. It may not seem like it's important, but it is one thing I have never included God in. I've never asked for His help in quitting. It's one of those things in my life that no one is allowed to say anything about. If people do; I get angry and do it out of spite.

I keep saying/thinking I want to stop, but I don't really think I do. I don't act like I do, anyway. I've made no serious effort to stop; and if friends or family try to help me quit...even if I ask them to...I get nasty.

Maybe this is one of my stones. Something I can let God into. Ask for His help.

Perseverence

Okay, I'm a pretty smart girl; but when it comes to matters involving me, I think I got a case of the dumbs. I assumed that feeling 'better' was going to be this monumental event...like I was going to wake up one day and be cured. "Well, after I see the psychiatrist..." or "if I can just get some more meds." I've been waiting for this huge transformation, but the truth is that it's not going to happen like that.

Healing and getting better is a process. It requires work and constant diligence to keep from going backward. And I'm allowed to have 'bad days'. It's hard for me to get that through my head sometimes. Having a bad day doesn't mean my world's going to hell in a handbasket. It means my back hurts or I feel sad, lonely, confused, etc... Everyone else can have bad days, why should I not be entitled to one (or ten)?

Depression (much like alcoholism -- in my opinion anyway) cannot be 'cured'. It is an ongoing battle that I must fight everyday; sometimes every minute. The important thing is to keep fighting; keep pushing to be better. In some cases (like mine), medication aids in the battle. If there's a chemical imbalance in my brain, the logical solution is to balance them...replenish those that are missing.

Hebrews 12:2

Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

It is most crucial for me to turn to God in the times when I feel stuck...and believe that I won't be there forever.

Suffering

“Are we willing to be used by God to accomplish his redemptive work, even when that work includes suffering that we don't understand?”

-How to Read the Bible Through the Jesus Lens: A Guide to Christ-Focused Reading of Scripture
by Michael Williams

I've been thinking a lot about suffering and loss this past week. It has been a rough week for me; emotionally and spiritually. Physically, it's been normal -- horrible back pain one day; not so bad the next 3 days...fortunately, the Aleve started working again.

It's Spring Break (or it was) and that brought up some changes in my routine. I didn't like it. And, no, that doesn't make me weird; some people have a hard time adjusting to change, in any form. And I am one of those people.

Sometimes I can't help but think that my disabilities; yes, I said -ies, are a punishment for something. For what exactly? You got me. I've come to grips with my physical condition: my mother drank and smoked while she was pregnant with me. And, believe it or not, I'm okay with that. I know that God didn't want that to happen, but he did allow it. And maybe I'm okay with the whole thing because people can see it...they know there's a problem. I wear a brace.

Emotionally...well, that's a whole other ball game. You can't see depression. There's no blood test; no scientific measurement. I'm just sad. Which is why it so often feels like a punishment. How can I explain, how can I quantify behavior that there is no visible explanation for? I'm not looking for an excuse; for pity; for a 'get out of jail free' card. I just do and feel sometimes. It's like a life sentence with no hope of parole. What did I do to deserve that?

We should remember and focus on what God has done and not on what we have done.
Luke 22:19

But what if I'm looking at this the wrong way? Perhaps God gave (allowed me to have) this condition because he knew I could handle it. What does that tell me about what the Creator of the Universe thinks of me? That I'm loved? That I'm wanted? That I'm a survivor? All those things and more. God loves me. He wants me to succeed...to overcome...to survive.

"What we can be sure of is that God is about his redemptive work, as he always is, and has chosen us to participate in that work by sharing, at least for a while, in some of the same kind of suffering his own Son experienced [see 1 Peter 4:12-13]."

-How to Read the Bible Through the Jesus Lens: A Guide to Christ-Focused Reading of Scripture
by Michael Williams

Why, God? Why me?

Those are two questions I've never asked. I've always been okay with my disabilities and the challenges they present. But lately my depression is getting out of control and I'm tired of it. I can cry at the drop of a hat; and if I'm not crying, I'm on the verge of starting. I'm having a hard time seeing this as a blessing and find myself asking God why. Why do I have to deal with this debilitating condition that no one in my family understands?

My physical condition kept me from doing something the other day. Honestly, it stung. I was really upset. But I got over it. It was weird that the thought even crossed my mind. It really never does...I'd much rather stay in anyway...USUALLY. I think I've kinda got some cabin fever going on.

I think this applies:

On the Other Side of Suffering
 
In the Old Testament, faithful believers seemed shocked when suffering came their way. They expected God to reward their faithfulness with prosperity and comfort. But the New Testament shows a remarkable change. As Peter advised suffering Christians in 1 Peter 2:21, "To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps."
Other passages go further, using phrases I will not attempt to explain. Paul speaks of "sharing in his [Christ's] sufferings" and says he hopes to "fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regards to Christ's afflictions [Colossians 1:24]."
Harry Boer, a chaplain during World War II, spent the final days of that war among marines in the Pacific Theater. "The Second Division saw much action, with great losses," he writes. "Yet I never met an enlisted man or an officer who doubted for a moment the outcome of the war. Nor did I ever meet a marine who asked why, if victory was so sure, we couldn't have it immediately. It was just a question of slogging through till the enemy gave up."
According to Paul, at the cross Christ triumphed over the cosmic powers - defeating them not with power but with self-giving love. The cross of Christ may have assured the final outcome, but battles remain for us to fight. Significantly, Paul prayed "to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings" - embracing both the agony and the ecstasy of Christ's life on earth (Philippians 3:10).
We will never know, in this life, the full significance of our actions here, for much takes place invisible to us. When a pastor in an oppressive country goes to prison for his peaceful protest, when a social worker moves into an urban ghetto, when a couple refuses to give up on a difficult marriage, when a parent waits with undying hope and forgiveness for the return of an estranged child, when a young professional resists mounting temptations toward wealth and success - in all these sufferings, large and small, there is the assurance of a deeper level of meaning, of a sharing in Christ's own redemptive victory.

-Selections from Grace Notes: Daily Readings with Philip Yancey

So instead of asking "why me?", I need to say "thank you for choosing me."

Philippians 1:29

"It has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him.”

Pride

Galatians 5:22-23

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”


Nowhere in that verse does it say pride. I realized, Sunday (thanks to my grandmother), that I am being prideful when it comes to my disability. The way it came to my attention was actually kind of neat.

I go to a church ladies group on Sunday evenings and this past time I had a real problem. My legs and arms and even my head got very fatigued, heavy, and painful. The other ladies in my group wasted no time being supportive and a couple even went in search of a wheelchair. I was so...just tired that I could barely make it to a bench to sit. One of the ladies got a wheelchair and wheeled me out to my waiting grandmother. I was so afraid of what she was going to say and prepared myself for a stern lecture about not acting like that in public. I even stopped listening to her at one point. Although what she was saying was true (if that happens again, someone will call an ambulance...and there's nothing they can do for me in the E.R.), I didn't want to hear it.

DISCLAIMER: I apologize for turning a 15 minute car ride into a long dramatized story :)

Then she shifted the conversation to me needing to use a walker on Sunday nights, since I've been having had trouble getting around lately...especially at night and when I've been sitting for a long time. Well, that didn't sit well with me. I told her that I didn't want to be "disabled and needy". She asked me what that meant...and with my best "well, duh" voice I told her that I basically don't want be be a disabled person who has to use visible adaptive equipment. I have to use a leg brace, but I wear pants all the time, so no one really sees it. (I apologize to anyone who feels that I am being rude or disrespectful to people with disabilities.) Anywho...my grandmother told me that I have to put away my pride and do what helps me...even if it's use a walker and a cushion.

Ug...learning a lesson the hard way. I hate to do it...but I do know that God was in that conversation. And I finally feel like I have some friends here...:)